When seeing Hazel start to regress, started having fits more frequently for dunno what reasons, spasm yet not controlled, less active, more sleepy, i started to lose myself. Neuro is putting her back on prednisolone aka steriods, but i really cant bring myself to. We gave her for a week, and we stopped after seeing how her body is reacting to it. She started to sleep very long, stomach gets so bloated like a balloon, where even just a gentle touch she will start to cry. She cries for no reason, very bad tempered. She no longer climbs up and gets down from the sofa like how she used to.
I forgot that as i am Hazel’s mom, i have no right to give up. I forgot that i always need to have that faith burning in me. Have faith and confidence in her that she will be well and this is just a rough patch. Have faith and confidence in myself that i will definitely overcome this and find a non invasive healing therapy for her.
Every fits and spasm she has, my heart bleed each time with her. Everyday with her, i look forward to seeing her smile which is also getting lesser. No matter how hard i tried to tape back my broken heart, the pieces are just too many from the daily heartache.
When you are having a special needs kid, giving up and losing yourself is no longer an available option. We can only keep picking ourselves up everytime we fall and bite our teeth to move on after every good cry. And everytime we will armor ourselves with more courage, more patience, more positivity.
And we know we can do it. Together with hazel side by side. It is a very long process but we will be there for her for as long as we can.
Its going to be her 4th birthday soon. I hope her health will be better by then.