I am no saint. I feel vulnerable when I see people having normal kids and going through a normal motherhood. To say I have accepted the fact that Hazel is special is just bullshit.
I have went down this road many times. I have told myself that I have to accept it many times too. Just seeing Hazel smiles makes me forget everything. But when I saw her spasm, I saw her crying so hard, it makes my heart breaks all over again. Looking at her and telling her everything will be okay makes me want to cry. I thought I was as strong as steel now. Another bullshit.
While others are looking for preschools, I was debating which medicine should I put Hazel on. While people are getting their first mother’s day gifts, we were spending our day in hospital with her all hooked up with wires on her head. While others were playing and having fun, she was confined in the hospital room. What kind of childhood is she going through and what kind of motherhood am I going through?
I have put on a smile and put up a big fight in my heart everytime I am with normal kids. Every meetups or outings I had are exhausting to me not only physically but also mentally. Please do not get me wrong. I love those kids. I love my friends. This has become a routine to me until the day I can fully accept the fact about Hazel.
Many cheered me on. Many encouraged me. Many consoled me. I wish I can dig out my heart to let them see that it has been bleeding since November 2011, and how broken my heart is. This journey is so tough that I wish I have the ability to make everything better. I don’t know how many will understand and I seriously doubt they will unless they are going through the same journey as me. When my mommy friends with special needs kids said they understand, yes I believe they understand what I am going through. I am not the worst, but it is too much for me to handle.
Hazel was admitted to KKH yesterday to do a whole day EEG recording. Hooking up the wires on her head is hell. She cried for an hour and her voice were all coarse. Everytime she started crying, its just like someone stabbed my heart. Many many times for that one hour. Today, removing the wires was another round of crying. I think I have internal injuries all over my body.
However hard this journey may be, one thing I am sure is I will not give up on her. I will love her with all I have, and make her a happy child. I guess I am only able to do this much.
Happy Mother’s Day to me.