Extraordinary Motherhood

I am no saint. I feel vulnerable when I see people having normal kids and going through a normal motherhood. To say I have accepted the fact that Hazel is special is just bullshit.

I have went down this road many times. I have told myself that I have to accept it many times too. Just seeing Hazel smiles makes me forget everything. But when I saw her spasm, I saw her crying so hard, it makes my heart breaks all over again. Looking at her and telling her everything will be okay makes me want to cry. I thought I was as strong as steel now. Another bullshit.

While others are looking for preschools, I was debating which medicine should I put Hazel on. While people are getting their first mother’s day gifts, we were spending our day in hospital with her all hooked up with wires on her head. While others were playing and having fun, she was confined in the hospital room. What kind of childhood is she going through and what kind of motherhood am I going through?

I have put on a smile and put up a big fight in my heart everytime I am with normal kids. Every meetups or outings I had are exhausting to me not only physically but also mentally. Please do not get me wrong. I love those kids. I love my friends. This has become a routine to me until the day I can fully accept the fact about Hazel.

Many cheered me on. Many encouraged me. Many consoled me. I wish I can dig out my heart to let them see that it has been bleeding since November 2011, and how broken my heart is. This journey is so tough that I wish I have the ability to make everything better. I don’t know how many will understand and I seriously doubt they will unless they are going through the same journey as me. When my mommy friends with special needs kids said they understand, yes I believe they understand what I am going through. I am not the worst, but it is too much for me to handle.

Hazel was admitted to KKH yesterday to do a whole day EEG recording. Hooking up the wires on her head is hell. She cried for an hour and her voice were all coarse. Everytime she started crying, its just like someone stabbed my heart. Many many times for that one hour. Today, removing the wires was another round of crying. I think I have internal injuries all over my body.

However hard this journey may be, one thing I am sure is I will not give up on her. I will love her with all I have, and make her a happy child. I guess I am only able to do this much.

Happy Mother’s Day to me.

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5 thoughts on “Extraordinary Motherhood

  1. I have a harder journey than yours because Chloe’s condition is much worst than Hazel. I have learned to accept the fact that she is special and there can be no way she will ever be normal.
    I fully understand what you are going through now but I know she is going to have a quality life. She will because she has a great mother there for her!

    Kenneth

  2. Hi Dowin, I’m a caretaker of a boy with a hole in his tiny heart. 9 yrs has since passed n my boy is still as active & normal. Can understand ur pain n worries when the need calls for operations & check ups & medications. Jus to share with u what helped me thru hard times… Try not to harp on abt bad things which has happened to ur kid coz they will keep coming back to haunt u unless u really let them go. N having read ur past entries, perhaps u can start doing good deeds n be filial to the elderly in ur family. I believe God watches our every move & will aid those who deserve. Hazel is a fine darling & she’ll be a healthy girl sooner if her parents do more good. Pls Bless Sweet Hazel. 🙂

    1. Hi Jailing.
      Thank you for your sharing.
      Just to let you know, I have been trying very hard to let go. But easier said than done huh? Its a struggle and I am still struggling and this takes time. Perhaps another few years down the road, I can truly let go. Or maybe it will be tomorrow. Who knows?
      I’m not sure which post of mine has given u the impression that I have not been filial to the elderly in my family. Whatever that has happened, I doubt u will ever understand what we have gone through. FYI, I have done my duties as a role of DIL, daughter, mother & wife. It may not be the best, but I try.
      We have not done anything evil. Minimal criticizing at strangers (come on we are human), a sympathetic heart towards the needy. If time allows, its my wish to bring Hazel along to do voluntary work when her condition is more stable. Doing good things is not about spelling them all out. It’s what I know I have done.
      We are doing and giving our very best to Hazel. So… you really don’t have to ask me to bless her.
      Thank you.

  3. Hi Dowin, I think u’ve misread what i’ve said earlier on. I shared my feelings & experience with kind intentions. Pls don’t b too sensitive. I didn’t mean that u are not filial or good but I’m just saying that being filial, doing good things & letting most unhappiness go forgotten has really helped ME get along during MY tough period & thus I recommend to u too. I’ve always believe that respecting elderly from our own hme is the first step to doing good. Hope u can understand that I didn’t mean the way u thought it was. & I sincerely wish Hazel a speedy recovery just like what I’ve always hope for my boy. Pls don’t get me wrong.

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