I have a very supportive family. My dad, my mum, my sis, and actually, my bil too. Not to mention, the one who is always there for me no matter how unreasonable and irritating I am, he will still stood by me. And he is my hubby.
Life took a very drastic change after Hazel’s arrival. It took an even more tremendous change when the accident happened. I remember that I was always thinking to myself how I wanna bring her up like any other babies. I look forward to see her reach any of the milestones, just like any other child, and me, to be just like any other mother.
I wasn’t a postitive person to begin with. And after what had happened and what came after, I have been self psychoing for the longest time ever. I keep telling myself to think more positively. Whenever the emotional part start to surface, I will distract myself with other stuff like watching tv, making Hazel laugh, doing my hair clips etc etc. And it definitely wasn’t easy as most of the time I’m alone at home with Hazel for the whole day. With nobody to talk to for distraction, the devil really comes easy.
Yes, we have came so far. I never thought I could, but I did.
Recently, after Hazel was discharged from the hospital, she didn’t really made much improvement on her appetite. It became worse these 2 weeks when she is down with flu and cough, refuses to drink due to her sore throat and blocked nose. She did not make things easy as she pushes away the medicine given to her. Frankly, I am worried for 24/7 and it is just so tiring. Call me crazy but I am doing everything I can to stop her from being admitted into hospital again. Though deep down, I know that admitting her might make her current condition better, but I know it isn’t a cure. It will just be a temporary help to let her body have enough fluids.
Sometimes, I sit in the living room alone, staring blankly when Hazel is having her nap. But my mind is having thousands of thoughts. And I felt so lost. Lost that I have no idea how to help her. Lost that what exactly is happening to her. Lost that will she ever recover?
I don’t have many friends that I can confide in. They will never understand what I am going through and sometimes I find myself a nuisance. People might not be interested in me keeps talking about my worries for my girl. People might feel awkward at not knowing how to react when hearing me talking about my problems. People will try to avoid topics that is sensitive to me and try to talk about other stuff just because of me.
I feel unbalance. When people are having children growing normally, discussing about their growth, I have nothing to contribute in. And everytime I hear these, I’m deeply envious and saddened. So I chose the coward way, to shut myself out.
I have been feeling so emotional these few days. Tried picking myself up numerous times yet I failed. Probably crying will help cuz I realized I have not really let out a BIG CRY.
Wanted to bring Hazel out for a breather, but every hourly I have something I need to do with her.